Hey,
I got my surgery date! It's March 8th. So fast... So scary. I am actually more sad to not be able to indulge in alcoholic drinks than to not eat. Weird. Guess it's because I just recently turned 21. Who knows. Anyway, I am mentally and emotionally a wreck thanks to the surgery. Not that I blame it. I blame myself for never trying before this. Just now I am realizing this is as much a mental and emotional journey as it is a physical one. I feel like my whole world is suddenly coming apart and no one knows it. I haven't told anyone about the surgery anyway so it's no ones fault. Just whenever someone talks about a trivial problem I want to scream in their face "Really?! THAT'S what you're worried about? Trust me! If you knew your whole world would change over night literally this bitch/jackass would be the very least of your worries." But I know it's not their fault! It's not their decision! It's not their life! It's mine. I get that but I feel so overwhelmed. I don't actually say it aloud. I've been pretending to be way more optimistic lately just to deny the fact that inside I am a mess. I think, honestly, I am just trying to see how many people will care enough to ask me how I am and actually WANT to hear the whole story. I am being childish by doing this, I know, but I am a freaking idiot that has to be stotic and pretend I can take on the whole world. It's who I am. It's my forte. My thing. Superwoman. Ahhh, gosh Friday is so far away yet so freaking close. I've never stayed in a hospital before. Completely freaking out. I gotta breathe hahaha. I will live. I will be back! I might not be updating next weekend though because I'll be in the hospital, but the following week I'll be back and roaring for more. Wish me luck!!!

music_is_my_release

Hey,
I didn't know if I were going to actually talk about this here. I was even committed to never bringing it up outside of my home, best friend, and head. But I realized all my deepest, darkest, most random secrets are all here because this is my journal to the world. So why should I be afraid? Well, I am getting weight loss surgery (aka Gastric Bypass). Simply put I haven't told many people (only 5 & 3 are my immediate family) because I am ashamed to admit I need it. Ugh, I still feel embarassed admitting it even if it's to strangers whom I'll never see! However, I needed to get it out. It's consuming my life right at this moment. Between worrying over the surgery, the doctor appointments, and how much my life will change after the fact I feel so stressed. Plus, life doesn't stop just because of this I still have work, school, and a social life (sort of lol) to keep up. Anyway, the surgery is the easy part, it's the work after words that is hard. I can't ever eat rice, pasta, chew gum, drink soda, eat sugar, and need to keep up my protien intake or else I'll lose muscle and hair. It's not as easy as everyone thinks just because I am getting the surgery doesn't mean I don't have to work as hard as anyone else. I thought the same as everyone else did that after the surgery the weight will melt... Psh, yea right. I wish. Still have to work out, diet, etc.etc. If anything I didn't realize how much I have to sacrafice because of the surgery and honestly I am scared. I just turned 21 and I won't be able to drink for a whole year and really limited after that. So many things... I don't know. Fear, anxiety, stress... I am so used to it now I forgot what it felt like to be carefree. I just hope I will be as happy as I better be after the surgery. I am waiting for my mental break down which should happen within the next week. I find out my surgery date this upcoming Thursday. Well. Wish me luck.

music_is_my_release

 Hey,
I didn't post last weekend because my OCD kicked in. I've come to the point of my complusion disorder where if I don't post on Sundays I won't post at all lmfao. I got issues. I know. It's just so perfectly insync if it's all on Sundaysss. Anyway, I guess I chose Sundays because I feel like those are my lazy days and my real days off from life. So when I have nothing better to do I have more time on my hands to do a proper update for you guys. I turn 21 tomorrow woohoo. And I finished my tax returns, and I actually got more back than last year which suprised me considering I made more money last year. A lot of that was thanks to finally getting my act together and going back to school. As you can tell, my act fucked up a bit since then, considering I am only taking one class this semester. If all goes well, like I hope, next semester I'll be back to full time taking 13 credits. One is for a lab I need. Then again if life went exactly as I planned then really... My life wouldn't seem so chaotic as it is. I know I am a drama queen but most of that is thanks to my OCD problem (I am not majorly crazy if you're thinking that) about life. I need things to make sense. I need to feel like I have control over my life. I don't like surprises but it seems that's all 2013 is throwing at me. After going through a time in my life where, everything, I felt was out of control, I have come to a point where I don't want to be like that anymore. When I feel like I am losing control I become uneasy and scared. It's a lot less psychodynamic than you think. It's more just that feeling you get when you don't know how to act around the guy you like, uneasy, a little intimidated, etc. That's how I feel when I feel like I have no control. I get over it though. I have a great support group of mine that I call friends and family that against many odds seem to make me feel more secure than I can make myself. So, thank God for friends and family. Have a good upcoming week guys! I turn 21 tomorrow 2/11. WOO.

music_is_my_release

Hey,
Ahhh, it's nice to be back to Xanga. I realized these quotes bring together a hundred random souls. We all connect to things, although, we're all complete strangers. How crazy is that?! Lately, I've been having to make some hard decisions. My excuse through it all is "I'm doing what I have to do to get by." Is that even a good excuse? Some days it seems so and others not so much. I feel like no one can tell me I'm doing something wrong when all I'm trying to do is to keep myself afloat. I am learning from my good intensions that put my ass in this hole lol. I mean it. I am learning so much lately about life and myself that it feels weird. I had to drop 2 of my college classes because I couldn't afford them and I have yet to tell anyone. Doubt I willll. I cut my savings because I needed to pay off my credit card. Don't. Ever. Get. One. Everrr. I might get surgery it's still up in the air. My life isn't changing because of life, no, my life is changing because of my decisions and I like that. I like knowing that this is MY life. So, live your life guys it'll work out... Probably. Hahaha.

music_is_my_release

Hey,
Sorry I've been completely MIA. I didn't forget this site at all! I just haven't had time to stop by as much as I wanted too. A lot has happened since the last update, which, I just found out was on private for the last 3 months... FML. Absent-mindedness FTW. I guess I won't go into detail of the last of 2012 since it's pretty bland and where money is the object of conversation it's even pathetically empty. However, the beginning of 2013 has been unusually busy, dramatic, and quite the start of what should be a "brand" new year. Yea, right. Although, against many odds why do I have this feeling that 2013 will change my life forever? Other then turning 21 I don't forsee anything unusually great happening, and yet I have this feeling in my gut that my world is about to change. It could, however, just be that beginning-of-the-new-years jitter that we all get where we're filled with false hope that this upcoming year will bring something fruitful. For whatever it's worth though guys I hope this year brings you everything you've always wanted and more. So from me to you Happy Belated New Years!!!

music_is_my_release